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Everybody on television is all concerned about swine flu or pig flu or whatever they’re calling it at the moment.

I’m very extremely worried myself. I’ve compiled a list of warning signs that will help you determine if you have the swine flu or if you may be coming down with the swine flu.

1. Itchy Bottom: if your bottom (hiney) itches it may not be hemorrhoids. It may be your skin reacting negatively to the growth of a new, curly tail.

2. New Curly Tail: enough said.

3. Pink: if your skin is suddenly turning pink and it has never been pink, think flu.

4. Pug Nosedness: be careful to examine your nose daily. The transformation of your common human nose to a pig-like nose may be a first warning sign.

5. Affinity for Slop: if you are beginning to have an urge to roll around in mud and eat nasty leftovers from McDonald’s that you find in the floorboard of your vehicle, seek medical help.

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She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked.’
Actually, yes, I do.
”Does it hurt you?’ he asked.
‘No. I rather like it.
”Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice
anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’
The woman was mystified. ‘What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’
‘Of course, ‘ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.’

I came across an old usenet posting which contained a comparision between Kirk and Picard who are captains of the starships Enterprise in startrek TOS and the next generation. Read along.. it is funny as well as insighful !!

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word:Hair.
96. Another Word:Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache — and it’s a beauty.”
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population.
83. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?”
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off –even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
66. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63.Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!”
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as “GO F*CK YOURSELF.”
48. If something doesn’t speak English — it’s toast.
47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender — until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon — Picard is just some guy who’s really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses — and nobody dares to call him”four eyes.”
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon — easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed.
3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls.

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.”Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,”the UPS man comments.Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We hadabout fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekendfun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”"Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

‘So what do you think about that Doc ?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

‘I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.’

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

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A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. “Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it… Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’

When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Feckin jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!…………

But sure as I’m sittin here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!’

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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